Hybrid: a comedy featuring Emmett and Jacob
by calhale
Summary: Emmett and Jacob are extremly bored and decide to watch Underworld. This along with other boredom induced events leads to general hilariousness and stupidity. Contains some slash and just general vulgarity. Rated for implied situations.


**Author's note: I do NOT own any characters or plot lines associated with Twilight. This story contains Yaoi a.k.a. boy x boy gay sex. If you are not into this sort of thing don't read it. Set after the fourth book; everything is back to slightly boring. Emmett's point of view.**

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"**God I am so bored." I mumbled as I lay on the living room couch in a sluggish heap. The past few days had been utter hell. Edward and Bella had decided that they wanted to try and take a family vacation with Renesmee and both sets of her grand parents. And to make matters worse, Rose and Alice had decided that they hadn't gone shopping in two weeks and needed to make a trip to New York. This was an epic problem because it left the only source of entertainment in a hundred mile radius being Jacob, who was in utter dismay after not being allowed to go on the family vacation as well, and Jasper on occasion when he let down his guard around me enough that I could flood his emotional receptors with lust waves. It makes me feel like a super hero when his body tenses up and an epic boner springs from his slacks. Yes, I am BONER MAN! I should have a theme song. **

**Any way, being as such that Jasper was afraid to be in the same room with me at the moment and was recovering from my most recent quest as BONER MAN, Jacob was my only alternative. At the moment, he was sprawled in the recliner opposite me flipping channels. "Well I have no clue what to do. Did you want to torture Jasper some more?" Jacob responded. He had helped create Jasper's current state and we both immensely enjoyed causing the emphatic vamp to be emotional scarred for a few minutes. He was like my side-kick, HORN-DOG. **

"**Naw, I still feel bad for the last attack. He's been in the bathroom for almost an hour. Alice didn't even take her cell phone this time, so he's pretty much left with internet porn." I admitted.**

"**Yeah , we were pretty brutal. How long does it usually take him?" Jacob asked.**

**I shrugged. "I don't know, about an fifty minutes. I only know this because about 10 years ago we were in almost the exact position, well I mean in exception to you, but yeah, the rest of the family were doing something, and Jasper and I were the only two at home. So, we were at school and this girl came up to Jazz in the hall and practically molested him. I mean, she just reached out and grabbed his package, which was fucking hilarious, but she was just like soaked in lust, so he got like a mega hard on. Anywho, we got home and he was still all worked up and he was freaking out, because back then we didn't really have internet porn. So I felt bad and gave him a blow job." **

"**You what?" Jacob almost choked on his soda. **

"**What, it wasn't a big deal. I mean he's like my best friend, in exception to maybe Edward, and that's only because Edward's stupid enough to let me shoot him with my paintball gun." I defended. **

"**Oh, so you're like into that? Like into getting guys off?" Jacob asked a little scarred and a little hopeful.**

**The conversation was abruptly ended when the windows slightly rattled, a sure sign that Jasper had finished his business. Jacob and I air high-fived each other, too lazy to remove ourselves from our state of absolute sloth. "A hour and five minutes, good work BONER MAN." Jacob said after looking at the clock.**

"**Couldn't have done better if I had done it by myself, HORN-DOG!" I answered. **

**There was a moment of silence before Jacob chimed in, "Hey lets go rent a movie."**

"**Ok. Doesn't that require moving though? Because I'm rather happy in my state of non-movement." I groaned. "How 'bout we just get a pay-per-view movie." **

"**That's cool by me." Jacob shrugged. He flipped through the movies on the menu screen. "Let's see, umm trash, garbage, bullshit, chick-flick, more trash, ummm, the only slightly appealing movie seems to be **_**Underworld**_**." **

"**What's it about?" I yawned.**

"**You've never seen it?" He asked, I just shook my head. "Oh well, it's about vampires and werewolves. And they're in this weird war, and the werewolves are on the brink of extinction and this one chick falls in love with this dude who she's not supposed to. And there's this annoying guy who's trying to get in her pants and ah yea." **

"**So it's a movie about our lives, basically?" I questioned**

"**Umm, kinda except, these guys live in like Eastern Europe and have guns and martial arts and other high tech shit… and leather. They wear a lot of leather." Jacob replied.**

"**Oh, okay , sounds good to me." I said as I grabbed my G.I. Joe pillow and sat back to enjoy the show. Somewhere during the first half hour, Jasper came down stairs somewhat nervously and watched the movie with us. It was good. There was lots of fighting and death and general oddities about vampires that I thought were quiet amusing. It was weird though watching all the werewolves change into their animal forms, because every time they changed back to human, they were butt ass naked. Jacob would laugh each time, mostly because I think he's been in a similar experience almost everyday for the past couple years. **

**The weirdest part of the movie though was during the middle of the big battle at the end, during which a werewolf was bitten by a vampire and he became like this blue wolf hybrid thing. It was so weird that for the rest of the film the only thing I could think about was biting Jacob and seeing if he would turn into something similar. **

**When the movie was over, Jasper quickly left the room, in fear for his own well being, leaving Jacob and I in the same position we were in two hours earlier. **

"**Hey, Jake, do you think that if I bite you, you would become like one of those weird hybrid things?" I inquired.**

**Jacob sat very still for a moment pondering my question, "I don't know. I'm not sure I really want to find out though, unless we knew for sure that I wouldn't die. I mean, what if I gave you my blood do you think that you would gain like some weird shape-shifting power. I mean, then you would have a cool power like most of your family too." **

**At this I became super stoked, I stood up, slightly shocking the lounging Jacob, "OH MY GOD! That is like such the best idea ever. We have to call Carlisle to see if I won't get in trouble for drinking semi-human blood. God, Jake, I fucking love you right now." I ran for the phone in the kitchen.**

"**Hey that's what I'm here for." Jacob said as he continued to flip though channels again. "Well, I mean, not the whole loving you part but the good idea part, yeah." **

"**You are such a smart puppy. You should give me ideas like this more often." I rejoiced as I dialed Carlisle's cell phone number. Jacob slightly grimaced at the puppy comment but I think he was just as excited at seeing what was going to happen as I was. **

**The phone rang for what seemed like forever until Carlisle's voice finally picked up. "Hello?"**

"**OH MY GOD DAD! So Jacob and I were like bored so we decided to watch **_**Underworld**_** on TV and like there was this dude who was like this werewolf and he was gonna die so his vampire honey bit him and he turned into this cool blue hybrid dude. So Jacob and I were thinking" I ranted.**

**Unfortunately I was cut off, "No Emmett you're not allowed to bite Jacob under any circumstances. Just no in general would be a good answer in any case involving blood letting."**

"**But Carlisle you didn't hear me out. We were thinking that if he bled into a cup and then I drank it, maybe I would get like cool shape-shifter abilities. And then I would have a cool ability like the rest of my siblings." I persuaded. **

"**Emmett, I think it's best if you to just avoid anything that involves blood, other then that of an animal." Carlisle recommended.**

"**Yeah, but Jacob is an animal." I retorted.**

"**Yeah in bed." Jacob said under his breath.**

"**Emmett, just don't do anything that you think you would get grounded by your mother for." Carlisle responded.**

"**See, but I already did something that Mom would be mad about. Like don't tell her, but Jacob came over and we were really bored so we decided to play BONER MAN and HORN-DOG, which she told me I wasn't allowed to do anymore, but I thought since Jacob was here it wouldn't be as bad and.."**

"**EMMETT, you are like one run on sentence after another. Look, no, you are not allowed to ingest any of Jacob's fluids. And I mean it. I will take away all your gaming systems and have Rose refuse you sex for a month." Carlisle declared.**

"**What? A whole month? Aw, man, I hate not being a nomad sometimes. OK I promise I won't ingest any of Jacob's fluids." I pouted.**

"**Good, I'll see you in a week, Bye." Carlisle said before I mumbled 'good bye' and hung up. **

**When I got back to the living room, Jacob was still sitting in the same position, flipping channels. "So I take it were not allowed to experiment with blood." He responded.**

"**Nope, Carlisle's being mean. I know he's like my dad and all, but I'm totally not like a little kid anymore. I should be able to make my own decisions, but he said he'd take away my games and sex with Rose." I whined.**

**Jacob laughed, "So, now that we yet again have nothing to do, you never finished telling me about your little experimentation with Jasper."**

**I looked up from my moping to see a predatorily grin slide across Jacob's face. "uh, um, well, I …" I stammered.**

"**Do you like getting guys off Emmett? I mean, it's cool if you do, there are lots of bisexuals in the world."**

"**Wait, no, I mean, wait, I guess I don't know." I was really thrown off guard by Jacob's weird behavior. **

**Jacob finally got up from his chair and stretched, his shirt riding up exposing his six-pack. I swallowed, but all I could think about was how Renesmee was going to be a very lucky women when she grew up. " Fuck" was all I could say, as Jacob sat down on the couch next to me. **

"**So, Emmett, I have a problem, and I think you could fix it." He stated as he put his arm along the back of the couch. **

"**Really? And what's that?" I stammered.**

"**You see, being part animal, I go in to heat every once in a while. Do you know what heat is?" I just nodded, " Good, so you probably can guess that it's not the best of times for me. And as seeing that Renesmee, as much as I completely adore her and would give my life for her, she is not old enough to even think about helping me with this problem. So, as a friend in need I'm begging for help. Won't you please help me?" He asked as he looked into my eyes with the biggest set of puppy eyes I have ever seen on a dude. **

"**AH… Ah, umm, Carlisle said I wasn't allowed to ingest any of your fluids." I stated trying not to say yes. **

**And then Jacob flashed the kind of smile that I knew had almost stolen Bella's heart a few year back, and I knew I was screwed. "Who ever said anything about ingesting anything." **

**Mean while, upstairs in Jasper's room, Jasper lay on his bed, clutching a very painful erection in lube glazed hands. "Curse you BONER MAN and your stupid dog too!" **

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**Author's Note: So let me know what you people think. I love reviews. I want to make an extra special shout out to xoxocullenluverxoxo, you review all my works and it makes me very, very happy. So Thanks! Also I love taking suggestions for slash pairings and if you want anything in particular even from things other the Twilight I will work my hardest to learn about it and write about it.**

**XOXO **

**Cally**


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